Have you ever seen a septuagenarian who looks like his or her face was planed smooth during a sandstorm and thought: “That lucky so-and-so! How can I get my face tighter than a bongo drum, only tanner and with visible stitches?” Well, read on, because we’re going to show you how to achieve that Donatella Versace / Jocelyn Wildenstein / Mickey Rourke look!
Don’t Bother with Credentials
Facelift specialists with a lot of experience, recommendations and expertise are less than willing to put the extra muscle in when it comes to getting that face really tight. Instead, they tend to want the results to look “natural.” Ugh! You’re not going for natural! You want to turn the hands of time back to the Stone Age! Oh, and go ahead and use the services of the first hack you talk to, because finding a board certified plastic surgeon takes time, research and work. And after all, “thinkles cause wrinkles!”
Pinch those Pennies
Why spend $7,500 on a facelift when a guy you know has a cousin that can do it in his garage in trade for beer?
Get as Tan as You Possibly Can
You’ll never achieve that glorious leathery quality without a lot of help from ultraviolet radiation! Go roast and forget about SPF cosmetics and moisturizers. That stuff’s pure kryptonite.
Get the Works
Subtlety’s for the birds. You want an entirely new face, and that means the more procedures, the better. Get those eyelids hoisted up to your hairline. And remember, you want those lips as ducky as possible, so load up on fillers, too.
Whether you want a total overhaul for the sake of glamour or because you’re on the run from the law, you’ll definitely get head-turning, long lasting facelift results if you follow those guidelines.